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Post by icecream on Jun 24, 2012 9:11:53 GMT -5
Name: Karim
Age: 13
Visual Age: 14
Appearance: Black Hair . Tanned . Kind Of Long For his Age ,Muscular Skinny
Occupation: Go's To School Tokyo Medical Highschool In Tokyo And has a Partime Job ( Delivering Newspapers)
Neuro-Linker: Has Neuro Linker
History: Karim was born in Europe and then moved to Tokyo.
he has 2 sisters there ages are : 8 and 14
his father died in a car accident and now his mother Is Mostly Depressed This has made him into a man , He had to do everything , make diner help his sister dress get some money in his pocket.
After Joining the school table tennis team the leader introduced them to brain burst, The only one who could sucsessfully install it was Karim.
straight after he started it and his teacher told him how the things work.
Keywords : i Vow to Obey The Rules or Die Trying
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Post by Ceostra on Jun 25, 2012 20:52:17 GMT -5
Well, allow to say welcome to the site. I apologize for a late review of your sheet, I had some paperwork for college to take care of and I was out of town visiting some of my family over the weekend, but im back now ^_^. Now down to business, About your appearance, can you add what kind of body build (i.e. skinny/fat, lean/muscular, tall/short) and the longth. Is that pertaining to hight or the hair? Also, please name a high school (make one up if you want or use the school provided in the rp section. Next thing, Your history is a couple sentences short of our minimum. Please lengthen it and maybe go a little more into detail please. Lastly, your keywords are incomplete. Please reread through the rules and edit.
Bump when your done and thank you.
(PS. Bump means to reply that you've edited. Just in case you didn't know. If you did I apologize.)
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Post by icecream on Jun 28, 2012 10:38:21 GMT -5
Bump
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Post by Ceostra on Jun 29, 2012 0:00:29 GMT -5
Please put your history into a grammatically correct paragraph please.
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Post by icecream on Jun 29, 2012 9:01:30 GMT -5
Bump
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Post by Kaishi on Jun 29, 2012 9:50:38 GMT -5
I am just gonna be real with you for like 30 seconds. I just want to make it clear that I honestly do not give a flying f-bomb what you think of me after this, but we all need a little criticism sometimes. Okay, for starters you really need to work on your sentence structure and overall content. I am not saying this to be mean, I am saying this because it is my job to ensure that you are not starting this little adventure blindfolded.
Not only is this history not nearly enough to tell your character's story, but some of the general word combinations you used seem to be made for causing confusion.
Now pardon my French, but what the fuck is a coffee salon. Other than that you seem to have an overall grasp of your character, so all I am asking is for you to write that character in a way that everyone reading your sheet can understand what he is really like. Another thing is that adding a bit of dialogue never hurt any history passage, ever. So add some of that, it will not only lengthen your history, but make it more enjoyable to read. Just reflect on these things and see if you can do anything to improve. If so, I anxiously await your edit and bump.
~Kaishi
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Post by icecream on Jun 29, 2012 10:07:06 GMT -5
Bump
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Post by Kaishi on Jun 29, 2012 10:19:44 GMT -5
There are a few punctuation issues, but that is not that big of a deal. For the sake of your effort I will say 1/2 approvals.
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Post by Ceostra on Jun 30, 2012 23:35:32 GMT -5
Alrighty then. Thank you for being patient and understanding. Approved 2/2
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